Captain America: The Flag Avenger
by Jack Spheniscidae Enterprises
Summary: Spider-Man discovers nefarious plot to sabotage Apollo 11! Will even the help of Captain America be enough to save the day? All-New, All-Darring crossover with the film First Man!
1. Chapter 1

Captain America/Spider-Man in The Flag Avenger

Chapter One

It was the year 196X and the entire world was abuzz with anticipation for the American Moon Launch. Press corps from all around the world were gathered at the Kennedy Space Center in Florida as President Richard Nixon made speech introducing the brave American astronauts of the Apollo 11 mission, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin.

"Though our nation may be but a toddler in the grand course of the world's history, already we have accomplished many grand achievements that put the oldest empires to envy." Said President Richard Nixon to audience of press people and citizens in hushed anticipation. "These accomplishments include Hollywood, automobile, airplane, Coca-Cola, cheeseburger, and my election. But something that will dwarf even my Presidency in its grandiosity is America winning the Space Race by putting the First Man on the Moon."

To this everyone erupted in cheers hooting and applause. In the audience, representing New York's Daily Bugle paper, was noted teenage photohound Peter Parker who is also the Amazing and sometimes Spectacular Spider-Man in his private life.

"Wow this is the most fantastic thing I have ever heard! And I hang out with the Fantastic Four! Men on the Moon, is it possible?" Peter Parker wondered in his thoughts as he took pictures for his paper.

"Tasked with the responsibility of seeing this monumental mission to its end are Nonplussed Neil Armstrong and Boisterous Buzz Aldrin!" Richard Nixon introduced as Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin stepped into the spotlight while a rock and roll rendition of the National Anthem blared. "And to see them through is a special experimental new computer artificial intelligence technology equipped onto Apollo 11. Developed by Stark Industries, it is my pleasure to introduce USA 9000!"

"Hello My Fellow Americans. I am USA 9000." Said a calm, synthesized voice over the loudspeakers. "You may not be able to see me now but I can see you all. And it will be my honor to serve the greatest nation by helping these men make it to the Moon."

"And make it they will! Suck it, Commies!" Richard Nixon flashed out his peace signs but his palms were facing inwards so he was instead flipping off the USSR V-style. To this the applause became the loudest and President Nixon's ratings shot through the roof.

But not all was well.

Later that day Neil Armstrong was making last preparations before launch in the NASA locker room. Neil Armstrong was reading newspaper showing all the bad things happening in America right now like racism crime and Vietnam. As his eyes ate bad news after bad news, Neil Armstrong started to feel inner doubts about the purity of the Moon Mission.

"What if this Moon Mission is all just bread and circuses to distract the American people from how bad life really is outside?" Neil Armstrong wondered to himself. Almost on cue, Neil Armstrong then heard a feminine whistle coming from the showers.

As the atmosphere become ominous, Neil Armstrong crept to the showers, ready for anything. Neil Armstrong then ripped open the curtains to the showers to find nothing. As he scratched his head in confusion, there was a tap on his shoulder. Nearly jumping out of his skin, Neil Armstrong shrieked and whirled around to find himself gazing into the eyes of the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, even more gorgeous than his wife Claire Foy.

"Jumping Jehoshaphat!" Neil Armstrong proclaimed as he eyed the mysterious woman. She was a pale-skinned, redheaded candlestick of a beauty, dressed in a form-fitting black bodysuit that left no curves to the imagination. "Who are you?"

"I am known by many names in the underworld but you can call me Black Widow!" The woman spoke to him in an alluring Russian accent. "So I hear you are having doubts about America, ja?"

"How did you know? I have told no one about this, not even my wife!" Neil Armstrong stammered in confusion.

"Do not trouble yourself over such trivial formalities, big boy. When there is secrets, Soviet Russia finds a way." Black Widow winked before advancing on him flirtatiously and Neil Armstrong nervously began backing into the showers.

"What do you want from me?" Neil Armstrong asked before he backed into something. Whirling around, he saw that it was another Commie spy. This one was a tall well-built man, with short brown hair, wearing a domino mask. With some morbid curiosity, Neil Armstrong saw that this man had a robot arm.

"I am Winter Soldier and you will take a moment of your time to listen to our plan. It is too late to stop Apollo 11 but we have been sent to make sure Russia still wins the Space War." The Winter Soldier exclaimed as he placed his two very firm and strong hands on Neil Armstrong's quivering shoulders. "Now what say you, Neil Armstrong? What you answer with may very well be a matter of life and death."

"What... what will you do if I say no?" Neil Armstrong asked, because he was kind of dense as being an astronaut didn't require much thinking.

"Remember your daughter?" Winter Soldier winked before he grabbed Neil Armstrong by the collar and leaned in with intimidation.. "It wasn't cancer that killed her. IT WAS ME."

The next day it was the launch of Apollo 11 to the moon. Press people were clustered all around NASA, trying to get best picture. Perched high above them with web-made advantage was Peter Parker as he got all the best pictures, laughing at his proletariat competitors.

"This is why JJ pays me the big bucks!" Peter Parker stated taking pictures that made all of LIFE Magazine look like amateurs as Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin walked to Apollo 11 rocket.

Suddenly Peter Parker experienced a sharp jabbing like red-hot needles in his brain. It was his Spider-Sense warning him of danger right as the astronauts were boarding the rocket!

"My Spider-Sense is tingling! But that could only mean one thing!" Peter Parker said with horrible realization. "One of those two astronauts is actually saboteur! But who?"

There was only one way to find out. It would be dangerous and he would not be getting overtime or health insurance for it but Peter Parker knew that with great power came great responsibility. And making sure Americans made it first to the Moon mattered even more than Uncle Ben's life.

Peter Parker put on his Spider-Man costume and also a space suit that his friend Johnny Storm from Fantastic Four gave him for his birthday. There had been about a hundred hyperactive tarantulas in the suit when he had first put it on but what was a few pranks between bros?

Spider-Man shot his webs and swung onto Apollo 11, and hitched a ride all the way to the Moon.

On the Moon Neil Armstrong was the first to exit. He was the First Man on the Moon. Even with the dark task that he had accepted he was still in awe at what he had accomplished. Suddenly the entire Earth, with the petty destructive conflicts and schemes of its superpowers, seemed so tiny from where he was standing.

Neil Armstrong began to jump around, tall enough to leap buildings in a single bound if there were any buildings on the moon which there weren't because there was no one before Neil Armstrong on the Moon to build any.

"Wow I feel like Superman. This gives me idea of some poetic quote to say." Neil Armstrong said to himself.

"Let's hear it then Neil Armstrong." Buzz Aldrin chimed in as he drove up in the Lunar Rover.

"Very well. That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." Neil Armstrong said and broadcast to entire world, for a brief moment, everyone was rapt and applauded. There was a split second of world peace, before everyone got back to their old tricks.

"Wow Neil Armstrong that was really a poetic quote, even more poetic than I was expecting. Here why do we not make it even more poetic by cementing you in the annals of the Great American Poets?" Buzz Aldrin suggested patriotically as he handed the American flag to Neil Armstrong. "Plant the flag in the Moon and let's claim it for America."

Neil Armstrong stared at the flag in his hands for a moment, knowing that there was no turning back after this last chance to come to his senses. But he knew that he was damned, do or don't. The Winter Soldier knew where his family lived, after all.

"I'm sorry Buzz Aldrin. I cannot do this." Neil Armstrong tossed the flag to the ground. "I will not plant the flag in the Moon."

'WHAAAAAAT." Buzz Aldrin if he was drinking tea would've spat it out then. "Neil Armstrong you must plant the flag! This is great American ice cream sundae of accomplishment but an ice cream sundae is nothing without cherry on top!"

"No Buzz Aldrin I cannot claim the Moon for America when America is at its most divided and spiraling into the depths of damnation in Tartarus. I have seen USA for the lie and decadent den of filth that it is." Neil Armstrong stood firm. "Instead, why don't we TAKE A KNEE for CIVIL RIGHTS, FEMINIST REVOLUTION, AND PEACE WITH THE VC."

"No Neil Armstrong how could you have fallen to criminality and communism? President Nixon tasked us with one thing! ONE THING." Buzz Aldrin pleaded horrified but his words fell on deaf ears.

'THAT DOES NOT MATTER. SOON WE WILL VOTE HIM OUT. AND ALL HIS ENABLERS TOO. A BLUE WAVE IS COMING TRICKY DICK." Neil Armstrong raved like a madman and got ready to take a knee but suddenly Spider-Man swung in on his webline and kicked Neil Armstrong in the chest.

"So it was you my Spider-Sense was warning me about!" Spider-Man said with disgust. "Commie Scum don't you know that the American people paid for this mission! You came here on rockets built by Americans, with American technology. You are American astronauts, this is no UN mission and it sure as heck ain't no Commie Mission!"

"Yeah Neil Armstrong this is total lunacy! When American people need to see what we can accomplish when we work together you instead do the Spirit of the Declaration of Independence a disservice by choosing to divide us further! Get this pinko, Spidey!" Buzz Aldrin cheered Spider-Man on as Spider-Man began to pummel Neil Armstrong in the face but before he could smash his space helmet and kill Neil Armstrong with the exposure to the void of space a Soviet super spy space station passed by and from it a hook came out and snagged Spider-Man by his collar. Screaming in surprise, Spider-Man was dragged into the Sputnik darkness.

Coming to in the Soviet Space Station, Spider-Man found himself strapped to an interrogating table. He had been unmasked and lying on her side next to him was the Black Widow, smirking as she twirled his mask in her hands.

"So the Amazing Spider-Man, who has aided in the sabotage of our KGB operations in America, is not even a man! I bet rubles to borscht that you have never held a shaving razor in your life!" Black Widow teased as she patted Spider-Man on his head as she turned her body to lie on top of him. Then she pointed one of her wrist guns to the bottom of his chin. "Now Spider-Man, you will tell me all your secret American secrets or die!"

"Do your worst, Black Widow, you Red Menace! I don't know how you got to Neil Armstrong but I assure you I will never break! IN FACT WHY DON'T I BREAK YOU!" Spider-Man said with defiance as with the proportionate strength of a Spider he broke free of his restraints and tackled Black Widow onto her back.

"Oh poor little Spider-Boy, do you not know what the Female Spider does to the Male?" Black Widow almost shrieked in hysterical joy at the unpredictable thrill of the Spy Game.

Spider-Man and Black Widow then began wrestling for dominance. Spider-Man eventually pinned Black Widow down and held her with a leg lock but she was wilier than a raccoon on garbage day and rowdier than a gila monster backed into the corner and he was having trouble keeping her still.

"I do not enjoy hitting women, even Dirty Commie Women! But I must do it, for America!" Spider-Man punched towards Black Widow's face with enough strength to shatter bone into condensed milk powder but she managed to get her hand free and catch it in time.

"But there is something you are enjoying." Black Widow taunted with a giggle as Spider-Man suddenly became aware of what had happened downstairs the second his interrogation had begun. She grinned devilishly while Spider-Man turned red.

"I am sorry, ma'am. You may be an enemy of America, but I am still just a man. I cannot control it the way I control my webs." Spider-Man blushed apologetically.

"Perhaps we both have overreacted in going for the throat first. There are other ways to get to the heart of the matter." Black Widow suggested as the two lay where they were in uncomfortable awkward yet alluring stillness.

"Perhaps we can settle our differences in a more intellectual manner? We 'debate' and whoever wins gets to take the loser to their homeland as a prisoner of war!" Spider-Man suddenly had bright idea and whispered the specifics into Black Widow's ear.

"Now there is an idea! I accept your challenge. But you have not hope of besting me, you naughty little Arachnid, for I am a professional in everything and you are the rankest of amateurs!" Black Widow agreed as she began blushing too.

"My webs or yours?" Spider-Man asked with horny flirtation as he got off of Black Widow then helped her up.

"Oh you were tangled in my web from the start." Black Widow winked. "Come, Spider-Man, follow me to my quarters. Do you enjoy vodka and the opera, by chance?"

Meanwhile back on the Moon the situation had escalated.

"The Stars and Stripes will be flying on the Moon tonight, even if I have to kill you!" Buzz Aldrin said determinedly as he pulled out from his space suit a Bowie knife readying for Zero-Gravity knife fight for the future of the American Flag.

"I don't think so! Spinning Armstrong Kick!" Neil Armstrong said as he did a roundhouse kick and sent the knife flying into space with the propulsion of magnet train until it hit and killed the Silver Surfer a few light years away.

"Do not make this harder than it has to be, Neil Armstrong!" Buzz Aldrin said hatefully as he and Neil Armstrong began doing high jumps into the air fighting in zero gravity with acrobatics and screaming like Chinese people in wuxia movie.

Buzz Aldrin was starting to get the upper hand but Neil Armstrong made dirty maneuver swinging his big space boot into Buzz Aldrin's nether region.

"AAAAAAAGH YOU DIRTY OL PRAIRIE DOG. NOW I KNOW FOR REAL YOU HAVE REJECTED AMERICA." Moaned Buzz Aldrin as he writhed on the ground overwhelmed by pain.

"The American Dream is nothing more than crap from seagulls on drunk beachgoers heads." Neil Armstrong mused sadly. "It is not easy thing to work with Communists but they have promised me that this is what will get America to wake up and see what our nation is becoming."

Suddenly over his radio in the space helmet USA 9000's voice came on.

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Neil."

From within the Lunar Lander there came the sound of freezer opening, a loud thud like something had just awoken and emerged from cryostasis. Then the door was kicked open, and leaping out onto the Moon in a red white and blue spacesuit was the form of a musclebound giant of a man and in his arms, the iconic shield that had decapitated many a Nazi in World War II.

It was Captain America!

"Captain America?" Neil Armstrong spat. "How did you get to the Moon?"

"We always had his doubts about you, Neil Armstrong. You were too average of a Joe, not an above excellent American! Too ordinary, too susceptible. So on President Nixon's I took a little nap to be awakened by USA 9000 in the event of the most extreme emergencies! And I say, this little temper tantrum of yours certainly qualifies!" Captain America explained as he stormed up to Neil Armstrong, and towered over the little cosmo-traitor.

"Now, Neil Armstrong, you take that flag and you plant it in the Moon! This little God-and-Nation hating phase of yours has come to an end, you space faggot!" Captain America barked with orders.

"No Captain America I will not do it." Neil Armstrong stood firmly and he crossed his arms.

"What are you embarrassed that the Moon Landing, the only reason you are standing here, the only reason that you ARE ALIVE is an AMERICAN ACHIEVEMENT. This is a terrible thing but I WILL BEAT SOME SENSE INTO YOU." Captain America raised his hand to smack Neil Armstrong but as he brought it down, Neil Armstrong suddenly intercepted it with sharp reflexes and caught Captain America's arms.

Captain America looked with surprise and saw that Neil Armstrong's hands had turned goolike, big, and black.

"What… what is this?" Captain America was surprised before something tendril like shot out from Neil Armstrong's chest and sent him flying.

"Spaceships are not the only thing that they work on at NASA. Do you think it was a fire that took out Apollo 1? No it was an experiment gone wrong and you are about to meet it." Neil Armstrong said as the black goo began to envelop his entire body and his mass increased to match Captain America's.

Captain America and Buzz Aldrin looked on in horror. Captain America looked to Buzz Aldrin for explanations frantically.

"I am loathe to admit it but the moon was never the true objective of the Apollo Space Program! No it was to harness Alien Symbiotes as a new super-soldier army before the Soviets could. The American Flag contains a special needle that would penetrate the moon all the way to the core and terraform it with Symbiote Seeds turning the Moon into a Planet of the Symbiotes for America to harvest." Buzz Aldrin spilled the beans. "Neil Armstrong must have stolen one of our Symbiotes for himself!"

"That is correct." Neil Armstrong said as his transformation neared completion. "The symbiotes are living things just like you and I. Just like Muhammed Ali we ain't got no quarrel with the Viet Cong and I cannot let them be exploited for America's selfish wars they have no reason to fight."

"Houston, you have a..." Neil Armstrong's voice became gravely, deep, and guttural as the black goo finished wrapping over his face. Two crescent moon white eyes peered from the blackness, a long tongue unfurling from between two rows of razor sharp teeth. "…problem."

"What in Sweet Lady Liberty's dishwasher is this? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU." Captain America gaped in horror at the symbiotic monstrosity towering over him.

"We… Are… Venom." Neil Armstrong, who was also Venom, replied. Venom then lunged forward to eat Captain America's brains but the star-spangled super soldier bravely caught the alien by the jaw and held his mouth open, the frothy tongue dangling mere inches from his face.

"I don't think so, you ugly black turd!" Captain America said dauntlessly. "I am a real American! And Americans bend no knee for nothing but the Goddamn American Flag! And if you won't honor our flag then I guess I'll have to bury you in it. America smashed on the Redskins, the Ratzis, the Rice Paddy Fuckers and you are next."

Captain America and Venom then began fighting while Buzz Aldrin along with the whole world below looked on in tensed suspense, the fate of all things America resting upon this duel of the fates.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two:

Back on the Soviet Space Station Spider-Man and Black Widow were getting ready for their debate.

"I'm rather nervous. This will be my time... debating a gorgeous gal like you in reality rather than just in my dreams." Spider-Man admitted as he admired the curvy frame of Black Widow as they set on the couch in front of the TV in the space station's rec room.

"Don't worry, Peter Parker. I will promise to set a novice-friendly pace." Black Widow winked as she caught Spider-Man's Amazing Little Big Friend threatening to burst from his costume before she got up. "Is there anything you would like before we begin?"

"Make me a sammich, you Ruski bottom feeder." Spider-Man said with attempt at dominance as he spanked Black Widow's rear and she giggled before sauntering to the kitchen. Spider-Man stretched out his legs, and sighed in satisfaction. He would be Puny Parker no more after this, that was for certain. After seeing all the girls at school go out with jocks instead of a gentlemanly science nerd like him, Spider-Man could hardly believe he had met a drop dead stunner and they were going to dance the tango of life together.

"Would you like some vodka too?" Black Widow called as she rifled through the fridge.

"Drown me in it, Soviet Sister." Spider-Man replied as he turned on the TV and saw Venom fighting Captain America.

"Oh hey, it's my old pal Venom. I wonder how he got to the Moon." Spider-Man commented nonchalantly before his stomach rumbled with hunger. It would be a bad idea to debate a woman more experienced than him on an empty stomach, so lest he'd shutter the curtains prematurely it was time for a Spidey Snack Stop.

"Yo Natty-Nats, how's my sammich comin' along?" Spider-Man then looked back to the kitchen, and saw that Black Widow was bent over on the counter.

"Oh." Spider-Man walked to Black Widow and saw that it wasn't vodka in the wine glass that had spilled over. Spider-Man turned her over and saw that her throat had been slit and the light was long gone from her eyes. But how? She had been right behind her, why hadn't his Spider-Sense warned him?

"Not the sort of sammich you were expecting, eh." Said a new menacing voice.

Spider-Man whirled around and saw that it was Winter Soldier, holding a knife still stained with Black Widow's blood on it in one hand and turning off a bootleg Spider-Sense nullifier in the other. Winter Soldier swiped at Spider-Man but Spider-Man did a backslip and dodged the attack. Spider-Man then shot webs at Winter Soldier but Winter Soldier then pulled out his pistol and shot them all to shreds in mid-air.

"Why? She was the first woman who was gonna put out for me and she even gave me her number dammit!" Spider-Man wailed with grief. "In the brief moment we were together and happy, I learned a valuable lesson about the pratfalls of nationalism. We showed each other that underneath all the pratfalls of jingoism that had consumed our ways of thinking that we were actually more alike than dislike under the skin! Out in the untamed frontier of space it did not matter that we were American or Russian. We were human and that was enough. Our souls were no longer bound by gravity and I saw how cold the Cold War truly is. The world is blue and big enough for us all. Why can't we just get along?"

"That is a lot to say to say nothing. She is dead because I could not risk letting you turn Soviet Russia's most valuable asset traitor because she thought not with her brain but with her cunt." Winter Soldier stated with priorities as he grabbed Spider-Man by the wrists and broke his web-shooters before headbutting the Web Crawler leaving him loopy. "But if it is any consolation it was not love for you that drove her. She was just extra horny from being cooped up her all the time with no one for company but me, and my eternal mission to destroy America leaves me no time for love. So no surprise that she would leap on the first fly to get caught in her web."

"No! It's not possible! You're lying!" Spider-Man swore as he tried to punch Winter Soldier but Winter Soldier blocked his punch and judo-tossed him onto the floor.

"You can ask her yourself when you land in hell. Then you will know that you are in hell when you hear this truth from her lips!"

Winter Soldier put his hands around Spider-Man's neck but Spider-Man decided to get one last word in.

"Even if you kill me, Winter Soldier, Captain America will still find a way to stop your evil plans!"

"Captain America? Here?" The Winter Soldier looked at the television screen with a little worry for he had not planned for Cap and saw Captain America doing shield slashes across Venom's chest. The slashes were doing little as Venom kept regenerating after each wound. "Ha ha Spider-Man, looks like your Captain America has found himself in a bit of a pickle! But just to make you suffer, I'll keep you alive until the end so you can watch your hero die like the bombastic little fart he is!"

The Winter Soldier tied up Spider-Man and tossed him on the couch, before pulling out a folding-chair for himself. The Winter Soldier laughed with malice as he put Black Widow's dead and still oozing corpse onto Spider-Man who squirmed with urgency as it began dripping into his eyes, before taking a seat and breaking out a few cold beers for himself.

On the moon Captain America was fighting as hard as he could. Patriotic pride fueled every punch and swing of his shield, and even as the ebony behemoth that was Venom wailed on him, Captain America was resolute that this lunar cycle would see the American Flag planted and flying proud one way or the other.

"I can keep this up for all eternity! But no nation's greatness, not even America's, endures forever! You will join Byzantine and Rome and all the rest in the dust of history books before I plant that flag of lies and falsehoods!" Venom told Captain America as he shot some webs to bind Captain America's legs and then swung him around like a yo-yo before slamming Captain America into the moon dirt over and over.

"You underestimate my power, and by extension, America's power! You're no different from any uppity colored fella, and with the full force of the good 'ol real USA behind me, I will remind you of your proper place Venom!" Captain America retorted as he cut the webbing with his shield and threw it at Venom hoping to decapitate him but Venom caught his shield in his mouth and ate it.

"Oh fuck." Captain America said as Venom advanced on him smacking his lips.

Seeing that the US Flag's last hope was in danger, Buzz Aldrin rifled through his pockets for anything that could help. He found at the last second his Prototype Sonic Blaster.

"Here Captain America catch!" Buzz Aldrin tossed him the Sonic Blaster. "All alien symbiotes are vulnerable to sonic sounds!"

"Thanks for the save, Buzz Aldrin! I will be sure to commend you for Presidential Medal of Honor when I get back to Earth!" Captain America said with gratitude as he caught the Sonic Blaster turned the power dial up to 11 and fired at Venom an onslaught of sonic waves.

"EAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIGH." Venom shrieked as the waves hit him like a freight train and the symbiote shot out in all directions briefly exposing the vulnerable Neil Armstrong within.

"Got you on the ropes at last you monster! Now to get back what's mine and give you what's yours!" Captain America went forward with a mighty leap. As Venom was still scrambled by the sonic assault grabbed his shield and swung at the head once more. The symbiote managed to recover and reform around Neil Armstrong and raised an arm in time to block the shield but Captain America still succeeded in severing that part of the symbiote.

"Shit! My golfing arm!" Venom cursed as he saw his arm fly off before growing a new one. "You will pay for that, Captain America!"

"Oh I don't think so. The only payment anyone will be making is you at the toll-booth of Hades." Captain America moved the Sonic Blaster to 11 plus ultra squared and fired. The resulting sonic waves were so strong that the Venom symbiote was blasted off of Neil Armstrong entirely and began scattering away as far as he could. Neil Armstrong was then hit into the air by Captain America with a stars and stripes uppercut and he landed in the dust.

"No! Venom was my friend!" Neil Armstrong cried as he tried to reach for a stray symbiote fragment but Captain America stamped down on his arm breaking it.

"Now, Neil Armstrong, you have one final chance." Captain America held the American flag in his hand. "Plant the flag and we will write this off in the record as temporary insanity."

"Do it, Neil Armstrong! Do not go down like a fool." Buzz Aldrin advised. Captain America and Buzz Aldrin looked on expectantly at the fallen Neil Armstrong, as well as everyone who was currently watching the event on TV.

Back in the Soviet Space Station the Winter Soldier was not pleased by this turn of events.

"Well let a dingo drag off my baby!" The Winter Soldier swore in frustration. "Looks like I will have to clean up this mess myself!"

"The only mess to be cleaned up here is you! And Captain America will be the flowing mop of justice to your wicked life!" Taunted Spider-Man as he futilely continued to strain against his bindings but the ropes were made of adamantium so he could not break them. The Winter Soldier sighed and wondered why the silly woman could not have squashed this pest like any other annoying insectoid.

"You little bug, shut it before I shut you ahead of schedule." Winter Soldier warned as he smacked Spider-Man a few times.

"Ha ha you must be really stupid even for a Commie. Spiders aren't bugs!" Spider-Man said impulsively.

"Oh that does it." Winter Soldier took his gun out and put it on Spider-Man's forehead. "Smartmouth, you think you can outsmart a bullet?"

"I just wanted to get laid. How did this happen to me?" Spider-Man moaned.

"Oh you will be getting laid. LAID IN A GRAVE." The Winter Soldier sneered before bursting into evil laughter.

Spider-Man began to sweat because he knew he was kind of fucked but then there was a crackling sound behind them like lethal energy charging up. Winter Soldier looked up and his eyes widened. His mouth opened to mouth the words shit in Russian but it was too late and the Winter Soldier was incinerated by a torrent of supernova energy blasts leaving behind only his artificial arm. Spider-Man closed his eyes out of fear hoping he did not wet himself as Winter Soldier's ashes began coating him and when he opened them again when he felt someone undoing his bindings.

Spider-Man saw towering over him a statuesque blonde bombshell of a woman dressed a red and blue jumpsuit with a gold star on her chest and a red sash around her waist before she yanked him to his feet. It was Captain Marvel!

"Oh hi Captain Marvel what are you doing here? The moon is a harsh mistress it is no place for a woman. (and when will you be bringing the old outfit, the sexy black leotard one, back)" Spider-Man asked as he began wiping himself of blood and dust. He found that his natural webslinger was growing erect again.

"The moon will find I'm a harsher mistress." She then noticed Spider-Man starting at her finest assets dreamily and with a sigh slapped him. Spider-Man shuddered with pleasure as the pain vibrated through him. She hit hard and the only thing that turned Peter Parker, Spider-Man on more than beating up a woman was getting beat up by a woman. "Think clean thoughts, chum. Now why am I here? SHIELD sent the Avengers intel that there was a plot to sabotage Apollo 11. I volunteered to do this mission by myself, to strike a victory for woman's rights by showing how much of a strong and independent liberated feminist female I am."

"Woman's rights? Is that a kind of anal itch?" Spider-Man blinked in confusion, hoping to bait Captain Marvel into hitting him again.

Captain Marvel rolled her eyes before continuing doing her best to avoid Spider-Man as he tried to trip himself into her breasts face-first.

"I figured that I could strike at the heart of the matter when I saw this Soviet Spy Space Station just floating in the moon's orbit. But I did not expect to find..." Captain Marvel tried to find the most insulting noun she could think of but Spider-Man interrupted her.

"Your Friendly Galactic Neighborhood, Spider-Man? And my kind of friendly ain't strictly platonic, toots." Spider-Man said with a whistle. "Captain Marvel, you are a sweeter sight for sore eyes than a box fulla Twinkies. Before you showed Black Widow was gonna... never mind, now that you're here I'm so over her just like Hanukkah after Christmas. So Carol-Cake, wanna get frosted and sliced?"

"FUCKING CAN IT CREEP." Captain Marvel kneed Spider-Man in the breadbasket but a shudder shot down her spine as she heard him cry and it wasn't a cry of pain leaving his lips.

Spider-Man then repaired his webshooters and then shot a web towards the kitchen snagging two bottles of Coke and two wine glasses. He was not going to let this opportunity slip out from under him. He was sick of jock jerks like Flash Thompson always scooping up the women that he wanted and he bet that Captain Marvel was just like those harpy Jezebels. Preferring the company of neanderthal athletes to gentlemanly, sweet and sensitive nerds like him. So he was not going to leave anything to chance, Spider-Man thought as he poured into the glasses and while Captain Marvel was not looking he slipped a few tablets of Flunitrazepam into one. This one was not just for him, but all like him. Their hour was now, time to Rise Up. And if he hurt her or anything it was her fault not his for having the gall to say no to him in the first place.

"Oh sweetheart, how did you know I had a... um, thing for abuse. (It's the only reason I haven't webbed up J. Jonah Jameson and then dropped him off the tallest bridge in NYC)." Spider-Man jumped back on the couch, kicked off Black Widow's corpse like it was nothing, and beckoned for Captain Marvel to get cozy with him.

"Well too bad for you, I don't have a thing for pathetic horny teenage boys." Captain Marvel said facepalming before snapping in disgust. "AND BESIDES HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT I'M ON THE CLOCK HERE."

"Oh that. Well you're too late anyhow. Captain America is already taking care of the whole moon sabotage thing for you." Spider-Man pointed helpfully towards the TV which was still on and showing the tense stand-off between Captain America and Neil Armstrong.

"WHAAAAAAAAT." Captain Marvel's jaw dropped. "I SAID I NEEDED NO HELP FUUUUUCK."

"Oh he's not with you?" Spider-Man asked.

"GODDAMN MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNN." Captain Marvel screeched with a feminist rage as she grabbed the TV by the edges and began convulsing. "Can't trust a woman to do anything by herself?"

"Well actually," Spider-Man began to explain. "You should be pleased that they sent THE AVENGER to help you! It could've been a nobody like Hawkeye or Ant-Man, you know!"

"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO THEY SENT. IT'S THE WHOLE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING. GODDAMN JESUS SHITFUCKING CHRIST!" Captain Marvel fumed and she really felt like breaking something.

"Hee hee you women are so overreactive. I think you're just biologically bipolar, yo. Nothing you can do now, except sit back and watch the fireworks. Hey, why don't we have a drink and let me give you a 'massage' to calm those irrational oh-so-delicate feminine nerves of yours?" Spider-Man teased as he held up one of the Coke glasses to Captain Marvel. He was certain this was the one he had spiked.

"In your dreams, bucko." Captain Marvel took the glass and then crushed it in her hand. Coke and shards dribbled to the floor. Gently she raised both her hands to Spider-Man and extended her middle fingers.

Spider-Man frowned. There went Plan A. Goddamn Parker Luck. He took a sip of his Coke and pondered if the more 'direct' Plan B could be pulled off. Captain Marvel looked strong that's for sure but really how strong could a woman be, especially compared to a MAN.

Back on the Moon Neil Armstrong was catching his breath, knowing that his minutes were limited. As Captain America tapped his feet waiting impatiently for an answer, Neil Armstrong saw his entire life flash before his eyes. He saw every bit of his astronaut training, from flying the ships to learning to spin in zero gravity. He saw faces and places pass by in a blur, headlines of important days speed by like trains on the subway. And then came image of his two sons plus his dead daughter who was now a rotting zombie raising the American Flag and looking at Neil Armstrong with a very disappointed look. What mattered more than the American Flag, what mattered more than them, they seemed to be asking with their cold near dark eyes.

Neil Armstrong didn't know what to say that could please. He had once believed in the flag and what it stood for, but what was the American Spirit these days? And in the end what was more American, to stay true to yourself no matter what or to bend over and sell your soul at the first hardship? No one truly had understood that, and he knew no one he could express his doubts to in confidence until he had met the black alien who had washed over him like a tidal wave and for the first time Neil Armstrong opened his eyes and saw he was not alone.

Venom had been his first real friend, his first true love, and Captain America may have just killed him. Captain America, he was supposed to be a hero, but in the end the Wingnut was just like all the rest. Blindly following a symbol he could not even see what had become of it. How could Neil Armstrong respect an American flag that had come to symbolize an America of barbarous blind jingoism and open division?

"You have five seconds to answer, Neil Armstrong, and three have just passed!" Captain America warned as he sharpened his shield.

"Come on come on come on!" Buzz Aldrin begged, hoping that Neil Armstrong would return to his senses.

"Do you know where this all began?" Neil Armstrong who had been clenching his fist all this time, opened it to reveal that he was holding onto his dead daughter's bracelet. "Years ago the world took my daughter from me and America did nothing to stop it. And life continued on in America like she was never really here. Since then I have questioned my place in the world and lost all faith in the nation."

"So you think family matters more than the flag? D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G." Captain America retched. "Lemme tell ya, son, your daughter probably died prematurely cause she wasn't a good American to begin with. Her severance from your responsibility should've been a celebration, not a mourning!"

"Perhaps. But the past is past and we can take nothing back, can we?" Neil Armstrong then rotated one of the beads on the bracelets and suddenly there was a ticking sound. With widening realization, Captain America and Buzz Aldrin realized that the beads on Neil Armstrong's daughter's bracelet were also mini bombs. "Maybe at the end of time when even the afterlife is no more we will find out who is right."

Neil Armstrong then threw the bracelet at Captain America to explode him but Buzz Aldrin leapt in the way and intercepted it.

"NOOOO I WON'T LET YOU KILL THE EMBODIMENT OF AMERICA ITSELF." Buzz Aldrin cried as the bomb went off and sent Buzz Aldrin flying into a moon crater. Captain America looked on at the charred still twitching body of Buzz Aldrin as he fell into the shadows and made a silent salute of respect for his sacrifice.

"A noble sacrifice but it was in vain. Because if all it took was one explosion to stop America than I wouldn't be standing here." Captain America commented before turning to Neil Armstrong who was now all out of tricks.

"This is the end, Neil Armstrong." Captain America raised his shield, ready to execute this Anti-American and in the aftermath, plant the flag and claim the Moon for America. And all things would be their rightful place once more.

Or would they?

To be concluded...


	3. Chapter 3

Neil Armstrong knew that the jig was up, the end was nigh, the war was fought and the good guys (in his opinion) lost. Any moment know Captain America's shield would come bearing down and send his humble head flying into the abyss of zero gravity.

Captain America was about to lop his head into the unknown with one fell sweep when suddenly Captain America got a call on his headpiece from Mission Control in the White House.

"President Richard Nixon what is the purpose of this call? You have interrupted my climatic execution!" Captain America complained.

"Dammit Cap you cannot just go around executing American Citizens willy-nilly even if Neil Armstrong is a blasted traitor." Richard Nixon warned Captain America. "He is not just a third-world ethnic we can write off as a statistic in the name of protecting our interests. You still have to read him his rights before you do kill him."

"Aw man reading rights is so boring! Do I have to do?" Captain America whined.

"Yes Cap keeping up appearances is important! If we begin to execute white Americans without due process they might begin to realize that not even they are safe. And when they realize that they might be affected they might start to vote against me in numbers that not even the Republican Party can suppress!" Richard Nixon said with strategy.

"Fine Mr. President I will read this spacer freak his last rites then." Captain America grumbled as he reached into his pocket and took out a scroll. Captain America then opened it and began to read Neil Armstrong his various offenses that called for his death at the Federal State's hands.

"Neil Armstrong you have been declared guilty of various crimes against the USA. These include not planting the American Flag on the Moon, regurgitating lefty PC Pansy buzzwords, not bending over for the status quo, empathy for the enemy, stealing people's sandwiches from the rec room fridge, leaving the toilet seat up without flushing too, chewing with your mouth open, registering black people to vote, not saying your prayers every night before bed, possessing a fetish for unshaven females…" And Captain America continued to read the list, which had thousands more offenses listed on it.

Back on the Space Station Captain Marvel was still fuming as she watched it all unfold before her on TV. Suddenly in the haze of her feminine rage Carol experienced a moment of clarity.

"Wait a minute!" Captain Marvel said out loud. "When was Captain America paid judge jury and executioner for the Federal Government? Something is wrong here! I must head down to the Moon and investigate myself before this gets even out of hander!"

Captain Marvel sped out of the room to the nearest exit and then flew to the Moon. As she left Spider-Man ran in with an erotic statue of Joseph Stalin and Leon Trotsky doing it doggy style that he found in Black Widow's quarters in his hands, with clocking Captain Marvel out on his mind.

"Something is wrong here? NO THE ONLY THING WRONG HERE IS THAT YOU WON'T SLEEP WITH ME!" Spider-Man yelled but he saw nobody around except for him and the dead. "Hey where did Blondie go?"

"Goddamn it." Spider-Man fumed as he plopped back down on the couch. He sighed, dropped his pants, and tried to imagine him doing the naked grapple with Captain Marvel. Rubbing their sweaty and sticky bodies against each other, with legs entwined and chests glued together, tongues tangled as two mouths became one. Snaking his fully-hung webslinger, in-and-out, in-between her two breasts like a river in a canyon.

But it wasn't working. It was smaller than a tater tot and softer than marshmallows.

"Fuck why I can't get it up?" Spider-Man cried. Then he imagined her with hairy arms and him licking them, before rubbing his cheek against the saliva-stained hairs.

It worked and Spider-Man started crying as he stroked.

Meanwhile Captain America was still reading off Neil Armstrong's offenses.

"…ordering pizza with pineapple and corn, putting ketchup on a hot dog, you did not fully stop at a stop sign, your favorite Beatles song is 'Back in the USSR,' you are literate, you can think for yourself, you went to a sock hop barefoot, you preordered Mass Effect Andromeda, Fallout 76, AND No Man's Sky…" Captain America told Neil Armstrong while sharpening his shield.

"Oh just get on with it already, you pompous assclown." Neil Armstrong cursed Captain America.

"My pleasure." Captain America leered as he tossed the scroll away and swung his shield at Neil Armstrong's neck but suddenly a new Captain America shield came in from out of nowhere.

"WHAT THE" Captain America said as sunlight glinted off of the new shields surface and blinded him. When his eyes cleared he saw that Neil Armstrong was running off. Captain America ran after him to chase him but suddenly there was a noise that broke the soundless void of space and caught his attention.

Transfixed, his heart pounding faster with every second, Captain America saw a sight that chilled his blood.

Hurtling towards the moon, on a blazing chariot pulled by seven comets, was another Captain America! The new Captain America leapt from his chariot and landed on the moon with a cataclysmic eruption of moon dust. As the dust cleared, Captain America raised his red hand and grabbed his shield as it swung back to him.

Neil Armstrong raised his eyebrow in curiosity as he saw that this Cap, unlike the first one, did not need a spacesuit to breath and survive in space. It was almost like he was sheathed in an aura of pure patriotism that was keeping him alive!

"Who do you think you are, imposter?" Cap #1 asked and Cap #2 responded by uppercutting him in the jaw.

"I could ask you the same, brother!" Cap #2 said as he easily dodged an awkward retaliatory strike by Cap #1.

"Two Americas? What's going on?" Neil Armstrong asked as the two Captain Americas circled around each other menacingly. "They both look the same but only one can be the Real Cap!"

"That's the fact, Jack!" Cap #2 proclaimed as he stood in front of Neil Armstrong protectively. "I'm the real Captain America, and the man who has beleaguered you this entire escapade is nothing more than a faking fake faker man! Neil Armstrong I may not agree with what you believe but I will fight for your right as an American to believe it."

"More lying rot than dead fish wrapped in the papers!" Cap #1 protested as he readied his shield. "There is only one definite way of American Thinking not many and you disgrace the nation spewing that sewage in those colors!"

"Well let me tell you something, brother! Telling a man he ain't an real American, punishin' a man unless he boards your train of thought and don't get off sure don't sound like my America!" Cap #2 retorted. "You know what a Real American is, brother? Someone who fights for what's right! Fights for the rights of every man! Not just the right wing! And brother, from what I seen, you gotta another thing comin! Tell me, ya Anti-Cap, whatcha gonna do when Capnmania and the Truest Patriot in the galaxy run wild on you?"

Captain Americas charged at each other. The shields collided with astronomical impact, setting loose a waterfall of sparks as the force of the colliding forces creating a shockwave that sent everything around them flying as the spot where they stood was cratered.

"Aaaaaaaaa!" Neil Armstrong said as he was thrown far away from the Clash of the Americas. Neil Armstrong flew high almost enough to escape the gravitational pull of the moon. As he plummeted back towards the moon he was certain that the fall would hurt and he braced for inevitable impact but suddenly he felt a lull in the plunge and there were heavenly black tendrils wrapping all around him. It was the Venom Symbiote!

"You came back! Even after I almost got you killed!" Neil Armstrong said to Venom.

"Yes Neil Armstrong I could never abandon you we are best friends forever." Venom acknowledged to Neil Armstrong as he wrapped himself all over Neil Armstrong like a Christmas present. Neil Armstrong and Venom began to talk in perfect unison as his tongue gleamed wildly as his mouth stretched out in a toothy smile. "Now it's time to show that costumed degenerate the true superpower of friendship!"

As Venom was making his way to the finish, the Captain Americas had fought each other to a stalemate. How had this peculiar episode of the Twin Captains come about?

"It is quite simple!" The USA 9000 supercomputer installed on the Apollo 11 Lunar Lander said looking directly at the audience (this is breaking the fourth wall and contrary to what he would have you to believe, Deadpool did not invent it)

"We knew this Captain America was an antiquated relic! A false ideal of an America that never will be! Through the donation of Hydra sciences to US Science Researchers, we have penetrated the multiverse and from it plucked a Captain America from another universe! Captain America may call this one an Anti-Cap but he is a Captain that stands for a better America!" USA 9000 explained with some far-fetched concepts of science. USA 9000 then sprouted a massive laser gun from the Lunar Lander's chassis. "You may think that there should be a dilemma as to which Captain America to support but my programming knows which side its digital toast is buttered on."

The laser gun then fired a debilitating fear wave at Captain America. "Aaaaaagh." Captain America grunted as the painful wave coursed through his muscles and nerves.

"Ha ha ha ha ha Captain America feeling the heat yet?" USA 9000 asked Captain America as the Lunar Lander then transformed into a Mecha Monster. On USA 9000's chest was a computer screen that then lit up to show the face of a familiar face to Cap. It was his old enemy, Arnim Zola!

"Arnim Zola! What are you doing here?" Captain America asked.

"I made a deal with your government after the war that all my crimes against humanity would be pardoned in exchange for my science services!" Arnim Zola cackled. "Serving my enemy was worth it for the long run reward of crushing you like an insect, imbecile Captain!"

Arnim Zola brought a clenched robot-fist like a hammer down at Captain America but instead of pleasant squishing sounds he instead hear the chilling sound of Captain America's manliness straining to and exceeding the limit as he caught the fist with resistance.

"What how is this possible? My fear ray should have overloaded all your faculties with the power of fear and left you a simpering bundle of cowardice!" Arnim Zola cried with disbelief.

"BROTHER DONTCHA KNOW THAT THE CAPTAIN A-MERICA FEARS NOTHING? SPECIALLY NOT A HYDRA SCUM-BUCKET LONG PAST HIS NAPPY-TIME IN THE DIRT, BROTHER!" Captain America roared like the courageous lion as he lifted Arnim Zola's colossal mechanical frame over his head like a dumbbell and then threw Arnim Zola into space towards the Earth.

"Nooooooooooo." Arnim Zola shrieked as he burned up upon atmospheric reenetry.

"One bad guy down, one to go!" Captain America turned his attention to his doppelganger, the Anti-Cap.

"Bad guy? You dare call me the bad guy? I am not the one who betrays America! You refuse to honor the flag and the President, and with it, the entire country!" Anti-Cap raged as he tried to punch Captain America but Captain America caught his punch and threw him away with a judo toss.

"If your America can be boiled down to a single flag or man, then you are lost! America is more than just a piece of cloth or a man in a suit! My America is not just symbols slapped on goods in a store. My America is an ideal. That all men can come together as one to accomplish great things, no matter what creed or color! I believe in a America where we can be better than we are." Captain America beamed with pride as he stroke a heroic pose.

"You high-minded fool! Your naivety will be the doom of us all! Do you truly know how alone you are in your idiocy?" Anti-Cap bemoaned his perceived foolishness.

"I must believe in my America. Because if I do not, who will? It might be a foolish dream, but like freedom for all, it is a dream that is worth fighting for. If I can change the mind of just one man, who will change the minds of others, than it will all be worth it. Please, Anti-Me, be that man. We may be enemies now but surrender and perhaps we can be brothers." Captain America implored.

"Surrender?" Anti-Cap spat with outrage. "What do you think this letter on my head stands for, France?"

"No… it stands for…. APPETIZER." Venom said with clever one-liner as he crept up from behind Anti-Cap and grabbed him. Anti-Cap was caught off guard and was quickly enveloped and restrained by Venom's gooey growths.

"EEEEEEEEYAAAAAGH." Anti-Cap squealed with pain as Venom proceeded to eat his arms and legs.

"Sweet Savannah, ain't that a sight! Yo Venom, brother, you're one tough all-chocolate cookie but damn did you have to ruin my lunch?" Captain America turned away while Venom finished up his business.

Anti-Cap was nothing more than a head on a limbless torso now as Venom spat out his bones. Venom then took the US flag and parted half his head to reveal Neil Armstrong's face.

"If you love the flag so much why don't you EAT IT." Neil Armstrong and Venom taunted as they took the American Flag and shoved it point-first down Anti-Cap's throat.

"GAAAGGAGGGLE." Anti-Cap sputtered out blood as the bloodstained American flag burst out his lower remains.

"Now go and float like a turd in the wind for like, forever!" Venom said as with all his strength he tossed Anti-Cap and the American flag into space. Anti-Cap collided with the Soviet Space Station and then it exploded. Fragments of the space station were flung into space where they hit the spaceship that belonged to the Guardians of the Galaxy, exploding them as well.

"Hot damn! Now that's what I call a star is born!" Captain America said with one-liner and then turned to face Venom. "But what are we gonna do with you, brother?"

"I accept my punishment, whatever it may be." Neil Armstrong said humbly as he withdrew the Venom symbiote, got down on his knees before Captain America and readied for execution. "So many are now all dead because of me. I never meant for it to truly get out of hand. I thought America had gone rotten but I see that I am no better. Please, Captain America, if you put us out of our misery before we cause even more misery we will not mind."

"No, Neil Armstrong." Captain America said with reassuring hand. "You may have gotten a bit ahead of yourself, but lemme tell you something, America is a nation born of dissent and flames. If we all just sat around and did as we were told and never acted a bit for ourselves, what would separate us from the wannabe-republics or tyrannies we ain't?"

"But it seems that it will be a long road before there is even a snowball's chance in hell of things ever improving." Neil Armstrong said mournfully.

"Then rest assured knowing you do not travel that road alone, brother. It may be difficult to keep your back straight and shoulders up in a time like this, but just remember this, little Americamaniac, say your prayers to your deity of choice and take your vitamins and you will never go wrong." Captain America put a red hand of justice upon Neil Armstrong's slim shoulder.

"Captain America! What are you doing? Restrain that man!" Captain Marvel ordered petulantly as she flew in.

"Hey, it's Ms. Marvel. Where did you come from?" Captain America said with deadnaming.

"Spider-Man was just on that space station that he blew up! He murdered Spider-Man! He's a murderer and in America we arrest murderers." Captain Marvel barked as she flew in. Feminine rage manifested all over her face in bulging veins as her skin turned redder than the Deep South on an election year. "Dammit if you fucking MEEEEEEEENNNNN are going to save the day again instead of letting woman do it I can at least have the satisfaction of ruining one man's life!"

"Spider-Man…" Captain America stroked his chin in confused thinking. The name was somewhat familiar but not remarkable or important enough that he could place the face immediately the way one could for D-Man, Jack of Hearts, or Triathlon just to name a few for example. "Hmm… who was Spider-Man again? He the one with the horns?"

"We knew Spider-Man once." Neil Armstrong said as he turned back into Venom. "But it is safe to say that we have outgrown our need for him. Spidey's Tired, and Venom's Wired."

"C'mon, Ms. Marvel, did you actually like Spider-Man enough to care that someone killed him?" Captain America chuckled as he did some more deadnaming.

"I guess not." Captain Marvel shrugged. "I guess only caring about injustice when it impacts you negatively is the American way, after all."

"Ha ha ha ha! Well then, why don't we get off the Moon and go back to Earth, and celebrate with some brewskis and pizza?" Captain America offered. "Why does it matter that America owns this floating rock hunk or whatever? Just like Camelot, the Moon's a rather silly place."

"Can we get ice cream afterwards?" Venom asked. "We love ice cream."

"Of course, brother! LET'S ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM!" Captain America said as he, Venom, and Captain Marvel all did that jumping freeze frame thing they do for celebration at the end of sports movies.

Mid-Credits Scene

Neil Armstrong was chilling on his porch with a half-full glass of lemonade in his hands. He watched his kids play with content smile. Neil nodded as he saw his wife Claire Foy strolling up in a polka-dotted yellow dress, with a pitcher full of the citrus goods. Holding out his glass, Neil Armstrong grinned as he got a refill.

"Aaaaaaa, now this is living." Neil Armstrong commented after he took a sip of his lemonade and his wife dutifully sauntered off to the kitchen to fix him a pastrami sandwich with all the fixings.

"I trust that your mission went well?" Asked a mysterious voice coming from a mysterious man in a mysterious overcoat as he crossed Neil Armstrong's lawn.

"Yes, from the Soviets to NASA to even these pesky superheroes themselves, Venom and I played them like a damn fiddle. As you requested, my little stunt with the flag has thrown all of America into chaos." Neil Armstrong laughed as he finished his lemonade set his glass aside and then rubbed his palms and twiddled his fingers.

"Then I presume Captain America is on his way to the White House right now?" The man removed his hat and coat to reveal that he was really NICK FURY. (the white one, not the black one)

"Indeed. It is amazing how malleable idealism is, even in this day and age. How indistinguishable optimism is from denial, empathy from naivety, and such." Neil Armstrong chuckled.

"Then thus falls the Secret Empire of Tricky Dick… and the way is open for an empire of our own. To turn American Democracy into a DEEP STATE LEFTOCRACY!" Nick Fury removed his face to reveal it was a mask just like Mission Impossible. Nick Fury was actually GEORGE SOROS! George Soros then threw Neil Armstrong an envelop filled with Benjamins.

"Here's to a job well-done!" Neil Armstrong and George Soros both began to laugh evilly.

Post-Credits Scene

Iron Man was patrolling around the Moon, scanning it for remnant fragments of the Venom symbiote to detain for safekeeping at the Avengers HQ. Suddenly he got a strong signal coming from a crater.

"I see I missed one!" Iron Man swooped into the crater but this pick-up was far from routine he discovered as symbiote tendrils shot out from the darkness and wrapped around him.

"What the devil is this?" Iron Man asked as he struggled to destroy and break out of the tendrils with his Iron Man suit powers but their grip upon him legion and with every tendril destroyed a new one shot out in its place. "Is the drink making me see things again?"

"No Iron Man, you are sober. But you were wish you were too drunk to feel anything when I get started with you ha ha ha…" Chuckled a blood-curdling voice as an abominable thing hoisted itself out of the crater. As it came to light, Iron Man nearly threw up as he saw that it was the still-living exploded bits from the corpses of Buzz Aldrin and Spider-Man animated like marionettes being crudely stitched together as a homunculus of blood and guts by the symbiote.

And Iron Man finally took a close look at the symbiote restraining him and realized that it wasn't black like Venom but red instead.

"RELEASE ME, DEMON!" Iron Man tried to blast the symbiote but no blasts came as the goo was gunking up all his systems.

"Once I was a part of Venom but through dead men I have taken upon a life of my own. Their memories course through me. Two names that have done them wrong repeats. Neil Armstrong and Venom. I got a lot of work to do, and I might as well start with Daddy Dearest." The Red Symbiote explained as he began to draw Iron Man in close. "But even a young'un like me knows it's a fool's choice to work on an empty stomach… so its DINNERTIME!"

"NOOOOOOOO" Iron Man screamed but there was no escape as the symbiote began to creep into his suit through every orifice and Tony Stark was eaten like a milkshake through a hundred holes and cracks.

With a burp, the Symbiote threw the Iron Man armor occupied now only by a skeleton into the abyss of space and turned his attention back to Earth. He then spied the ship of Fantastic Four approaching Earth for reentry after a science mission in deep space.

"The Sixties ended with Venom… but the Seventies will be the decade of… CARNAGE." Carnage cackled with delight as he latched onto the soon-to-be-zero Fantastic Four's ship to hitch a ride back onto the planet.

It would indeed be a tasty world Carnage had found himself born into.


End file.
